Letting Go of Controlling the Outcome As It Pertains to My Abusers

Hello wanderers of the internet! If you are seeing this and hadn't heard from me personally or seen other posts on social media, today I had a hearing to extend the order of protection against one of my abusers. My motion to extend was granted, however, it was only granted for one more year instead of 2+, and the distance in which he is ordered to stay away was reduced from 500ft to 250ft.

The hearing earlier had me in a rough headspace for a good few hours - to the point of almost reaching impulsive self-destruction. I had a very emotional PTSD breakdown on the ride home from the courthouse, and had to have my sister drive. The tears continued for about an hour and a half after reaching my residence, and there was nothing else I could occupy myself with to make the fear, the anger, and the upset go away.

Some may think I should be grateful, after all, the extension was granted, just not to my terms. I know my abuser walked away from this hearing dissatisfied with the outcome himself, for he hoped it to be completely vacated. And I am grateful that it was extended, especially because there are some things going on I cannot legally speak of yet regarding my abuser in which I think this order is a necessary incentive for at least a while longer, until that particular situation settles.

It wasn't so much about the terms of the extension that bothered me, but rather the invalidating language of the judge. The implication that if I just "get over" the abuse enough, that somehow the risk of harm is just magically gone, as if it's my memory of it that almost killed me and not the perpetrator of the abuse himself. The implication that I just need a bit more time an it will all go away. The assumption that a man who has abused myself and my children in every way possible, physical violence, coercive control, sexual assault, etc., can somehow make "progress" toward rehabilitation and that with that the victims of that violence have no reason to worry. Even though I don't believe the judge meant to be invalidating or victim-blaming in his statements, that is the sentiment it gives off, and that was very triggering for me. I dream of a day where the way perpetrators of abuse are handled in the legal system is completely overhauled, and where judges are more trained and trauma-informed in their work. I don’t think the sentiments shared by the judge are a personal failure on him, but a much bigger systemic issue of how we hold abusers accountable in the justice system as a whole as well as how we view domestic violence and violence against women on a societal level.

Truth is, I can't control whether he will try to kill me, even with the restraining order in place. After all, it's just a piece of paper. He could break into my house tonight and I could be dead by morning. He could hurt me anytime he wanted should he desire it badly enough. And no amount of court orders or personal preservation tactics to defend my life are 100% guaranteed to deter him from trying, or save me and my children from him succeeding.

But what the order is, if nothing else, it is proof of the truth. The undeniable fact that I, ShelbiLynn Donnell, as well as my three oldest minor children, were continuously abused and tortured by Christopher Hardwick, because my evidence proved I was. Even if the order expires a year from now, he cannot take that from me, because it was already proven for it to be put into place to begin with.

At one point in time, in order to protect myself, I needed to protect the truth. There was no legal accountability, active harassment and abuse, and a slander campaign being pursued against me by him and his maternal family. Whether the abuse actually occured as far as the public went, was up for debate depending on who you asked. The order of protection was the armor protecting the truth, a record saying even if he is never held criminally accountable, that abuse did occur to myself and my three older children at his hands, and at one point there needed to be incentive to prevent further abuse from occurring. Nothing can undo that.

My truth does not need extra armor now in order to keep me safe. My truth IS the armor. My truth IS the protection. Outside of this restraining order, I do everything I can in order to keep myself and my children safe from him, as I will continue to do. My children and I also have an amazing support system of family, friends, and community members looking out for us and our safety. Those who aren't afraid to speak up when they see something, those who would wage war to protect us if needed, and those who send their prayers and share their worry.

Christopher Hardwick is one of two men who pose a great threat to our safety. The other man who we have endured such evils by is the other man I share children with, Charles Hill. These statements I share regarding this order of protection on Chris, what it provides even in the case of expiry, and the future, I also apply the same sentiments to Charles and the restraining order I have on him as well.

Should anybody be upset that I name them directly, or want to say I'm "airing out dirty laundry", they can learn to cope. Abuse thrives in silence, I have proven time and time again what I claim to be factual, and the initial plenary restraining orders reflect that. I will not shy away from the identities of the men who have caused harm to us, for that only benefits them, and can also risk the safety of others who could become future victims. It's not me trying to ruin their lives, or tell their private business. It became my business to share when they chose to make me and my kids their victims. It's our survivor story to tell.

I know that we have many protections to preserve our physical and emotional well-being. And by sharing my story of what we have endured, the perpetrators identities, as well as our coping and life beyond it, I know that should those protections fail, and something ever happen to us, that the world knows exactly who and where to look. That is peace of mind.

Signing off,
-ShelbiLynn a.k.a. stopitshelbi

Couples Counseling and it's Weaponization in Abuse

"Why didn't you agree to go through with couples/co-parenting counseling?" is a question I have been asked on many occasions. In my own experiences as an abuse survivor, my refusal to go through with couples counseling with my abusers were something that they themselves weaponized. “Well she doesn't care to fix things, she refused to go to therapy with me! So it's HER fault!” But here's what many fail to understand about couples/joint counseling in the context of domestic violence:

In order for therapy to help an individual, they have to be HONEST, open to CHALLENGING THEIR THOUGHTS and CURIOSITY, and have the intention of REPAIR. The same goes for couples or families, however with more than one person involved, not everyone in the dynamic goes in with that healthy perspective. A victim often goes in wanting these things, willing to be transparent, curious about their feelings as well as their partners, and trying to work through issues toward repair. An abuser however, relies on lies or deflection, and also treats their perception as reality. They cannot handle trying to challenge their own thoughts, perception, or mindset, and see any attempts to do so as an attack on them. They also do not want therapy for the sake of repair, but for the purpose to further manipulate and control. The abuser will use talking about an issue in therapy as an excuse to tell the victim they aren't allowed to speak about it anymore, even if the issue is still ongoing. It can also be used by the abuser to weaponize either their own mental health to avoid accountability, or their victims mental health to deflect and reverse blame.

When you go to joint counseling with an abuser, therapy stops being an environment for safety and repair, and instead becomes another tool used to abuse. This is also why nowadays some couples therapists are turning toward refusing to see couples who already have a documented history of abuse or domestic violence within their dynamic, as they understand the further harm joint counseling can cause.

You cannot talk or therapize your way into mutual understanding and respect in a dynamic where one party relies on purposeful misunderstanding and disrespect. You cannot work toward a relationship where both parties feel empowered and balanced when one person's happiness is dependent on the other's powerlessness and submission to them.

Breeding Men Into Monsters (short essay)

Hello wanderers of the internet. Recently I saw someone online speak about the growing prevalence of toxic masculinity, abusive behaviors, and narcissistic men, along with a growing statistic of DL men. They noted how often they are all the same demographic, and all of these traits go hand-in-hand. This connection has been on my mind in recent days, especially because I have experienced this archetype of men up-close as a domestic violence & abuse survivor. I have articulated a short deconstruction on where I think all of these traits connect at their root, and I would like to share it with you.

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I believe we as a society have failed many generations of men, because we are not shaping our men by guiding them on how to "be men", but rather how NOT to be women. Expressing emotions, empathy, vulnerability, and communication are seen as feminine, and boys are degraded for it. They are told to "man up", they are told "you run like a girl", "you can't play with that, that's a girl toy", etc. Femininity is taught to be the most insulting and horrible thing you can be.

You can't lead a boy through childhood under that precedent and then expect men to grow up and actually like or respect women. You've shown them that femininity is bad, weak, and sub-human. What else is associated with being feminine? Being gay. It's another thing boys can often be degraded for or labelled as an insult for exhibiting certain behaviors, especially creative expression. This breeds insecurity and a fragmented sense of self, leading youth to question and suppress everything about themselves, especially certain interests and their sexual orientation.

That's why the statistics of abusive and predatory men are so staggering. And that is also why there is a growing trend of those same men who mistreat women to such a cruel degree often being DL homosexuals. Of course there are many men who abuse and prey upon women, and ALSO secretly mess around with other men (usually while being VERY LOUDLY homophobic to the public), when femininity and homosexuality is depicted in such a brutal way from a young age. I think this is one of the most common ways that our patriarchal society harms not only women, but men as well.

But let's take that a step further.

These traits that we belittle and bully out of these boys, are not aspects of femininity or homosexuality to begin with. Nor are they weak. They are the most crucial and essential aspects of HUMANITY. The level of empathy, vulnerability, and creativity we thrive on are what set us apart from other species on our planet. They are what make the human race as STRONG and capable as we are.

You cannot raise a boy on the idea that femininity is BAD and expect him to reach adulthood LIKING women as people.

And you cannot raise a person trying to suppress and STRIP them of all of the traits that make them most human, and then expect them to turn into anything but a MONSTER - using and abusing everything around them.

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Thank you for reading. I would love to hear other’s insight on this subject.

Signing off,
- ShelbiLynn (stopitshelbi)