Breeding Men Into Monsters (short essay)

Hello wanderers of the internet. Recently I saw someone online speak about the growing prevalence of toxic masculinity, abusive behaviors, and narcissistic men, along with a growing statistic of DL men. They noted how often they are all the same demographic, and all of these traits go hand-in-hand. This connection has been on my mind in recent days, especially because I have experienced this archetype of men up-close as a domestic violence & abuse survivor. I have articulated a short deconstruction on where I think all of these traits connect at their root, and I would like to share it with you.

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I believe we as a society have failed many generations of men, because we are not shaping our men by guiding them on how to "be men", but rather how NOT to be women. Expressing emotions, empathy, vulnerability, and communication are seen as feminine, and boys are degraded for it. They are told to "man up", they are told "you run like a girl", "you can't play with that, that's a girl toy", etc. Femininity is taught to be the most insulting and horrible thing you can be.

You can't lead a boy through childhood under that precedent and then expect men to grow up and actually like or respect women. You've shown them that femininity is bad, weak, and sub-human. What else is associated with being feminine? Being gay. It's another thing boys can often be degraded for or labelled as an insult for exhibiting certain behaviors, especially creative expression. This breeds insecurity and a fragmented sense of self, leading youth to question and suppress everything about themselves, especially certain interests and their sexual orientation.

That's why the statistics of abusive and predatory men are so staggering. And that is also why there is a growing trend of those same men who mistreat women to such a cruel degree often being DL homosexuals. Of course there are many men who abuse and prey upon women, and ALSO secretly mess around with other men (usually while being VERY LOUDLY homophobic to the public), when femininity and homosexuality is depicted in such a brutal way from a young age. I think this is one of the most common ways that our patriarchal society harms not only women, but men as well.

But let's take that a step further.

These traits that we belittle and bully out of these boys, are not aspects of femininity or homosexuality to begin with. Nor are they weak. They are the most crucial and essential aspects of HUMANITY. The level of empathy, vulnerability, and creativity we thrive on are what set us apart from other species on our planet. They are what make the human race as STRONG and capable as we are.

You cannot raise a boy on the idea that femininity is BAD and expect him to reach adulthood LIKING women as people.

And you cannot raise a person trying to suppress and STRIP them of all of the traits that make them most human, and then expect them to turn into anything but a MONSTER - using and abusing everything around them.

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Thank you for reading. I would love to hear other’s insight on this subject.

Signing off,
- ShelbiLynn (stopitshelbi)

“I Met My Younger Self For Coffee”

Hello wanderer of the internet! I’m not sure if any of you in your other endeavors of scrolling and wandering the world wide web have come across it, but currently there is a trend going around (mainly on Tiktok) called “I Met My Younger Self For Coffee”. It’s been circling for a few months now, and back when the trend hit it’s peak, I became inspired to write a longer-form prose version of it. I originally shared it on Facebook, but deleted the post shortly after and have since added onto it. It is a creative writing piece I feel very connected to and proud of, and so today I will revive it by sharing it here. *TRIGGER WARNING: Implications of domestic violence, trauma. Please read at your own discretion and listen to your body and mind as you consume.

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I met my younger selves for coffee today…

I arrived 10 minutes late, with my long hair flowing down, and makeup done. I had a baby boy on one hip, the other arm holding the hand of my 3-year-old daughter, and my oldest son, age 4, walking alongside me.

16 year old me arrived 10 minutes early, wearing a grey hoodie and short hair, hunched over as if to make herself as small and unnoticeable as possible. She avoids eye contact with everyone, letting her baggy clothes swallow her figure in the chair.

I sit down across from her, and situate my children. She asks me how life is, and if it gets better than what it is right now.

I told her she finds out who she is, and it's everything she'd never expect and so much more. She asks me if we still do art and music, I tell her we do, and about our three kids and our amazing fiancé. I show her my sketchbook from my purse as she holds my phone and swipes through countless colorful photos.

She listens mouth agape in awe, as she never expected to make it to her 18th birthday, let alone to go beyond that and become someone so happy and optimistic. She laughs and shows confusion at the kids and ring, as she didn't think she'd ever want a family or love. She asks me if things get harder before they get better, because it's hard to believe we became SO MUCH.

Just then, my phone rings. It's my 20 year old self calling. I put her on speaker. She tells us she wanted to come, but that last minute her boyfriend said no, and she didn't want a fight. We listened to her sad tone, and told her it was okay, and we hoped she could make it next time. Suddenly we hear yelling, loud noises, and a child crying in the background before she whispers "I'm sorry, I've got to go" and the phone clicks. Silence overcomes our table.

16 year old me sits wide-eyed, her prior question answered for her. I see the fear in her eyes, the confusion. I don’t need to imagine the millions of questions and anxieties racing in her head, because I’ve lived them all before. I hold her hands and look at her, trying to stop myself from shedding a tear.

"Who we become on the other side of it all is worth every hardship and setback. You are going to go through hell, but that hell is not going to go through you."

She looks at me, puzzled. I can tell she is having trouble believing me the way I believe me. But I notice her posture relax a bit, as she considers all that I have shared. She doesn’t feel that logically my claims could be probable, but she knows in her heart they must be. After all, the me that is standing in front of her certainly isn’t afraid, or sad, or damaged.

We exchange a warm hug before parting ways. As I’m leaving, I check my messages and see a long text from 20-year-old me, apologizing for the sudden cancellation and the circumstances.

“Everything is going to be okay. There will be plenty more beautiful days for coffee.” I click send.

Reclaiming & Reviving 🌸✨

Hello wanderer of the internet!

I have once again managed to disappear from my blog for a couple months. I’m still trying to figure out how to get back into my creative passions such as YouTube, blogging, and art, while fitting it in my busy schedule as a mother, wife, and chronically ill person. My weekly tasks and duties are always changing, so it’s hard to find a way to figure everything out the way I want. I’m getting there, though!

Today I wanted to share with you a trip that my household got to take last week. Cherry blossoms bloom for a very short period of time, usually early or mid-spring. It depends on the region. If you know anything about their blooming period, you’d know that areas like Washington D.C. here in the USA, as well as many regions of Japan, have entire festivals for “Hanami” (direct translation of “flower viewing”, used to describe the period which people go to view the cherry blossoms in their peak bloom). Here in the midwest/Illinois, they are not in abundance everywhere, meaning most people would need to travel a few hours minimum to see them. However, over in the Champaign-Urbana area, the arboretum at UIUC has a facility called Japan House, which hosts a few themed, culturally significant gardens, as well as an allee of cherry blossom trees. My first year of going was in their blooms of 2021, which I adored and loved being able to experience. I also went the following year, in 2022, when my daughter was only 6 days old, and I took both her and my oldest, Dallas, with me. That was the last time I was able to go. 

I had been anticipating going this year for months ahead of time, excitedly awaiting the day that they’d hit peak bloom. Last Wednesday, it was announced that the blossoms had reached their peak. So the following day, Charles, the kids, and I all drove over there to view them together after the oldest, Dallas, was out of school.

We didn’t get to stay quite as long as we wanted, as the kids were getting quite antsy and it was also intermittently raining. However, we got to enjoy our time and managed to capture a bunch of cute photos, both of us and of the blossoms themselves, which I will share below.

This was a very special day for me, for many reasons. If you know me, you know cherry blossoms are my favorite flower. Not only for their beauty, but for their symbolism. The fleeting nature of their blooming period is a reminder of how all things in life, even the most beautiful, are temporary. Hanami asks us to practice mindfulness and enjoy the moment for what it is right now.

Another reason this was so important to me, was because the last time I went to view the blossoms, I was with our abuser. Sometimes, as someone who struggles with C-PTSD and the trauma of what that person had done to harm me and my children in the past, it can be hard to return to places that are significant to me, if the perpetrator of so many bad memories was at one point there to experience it with us. Finally going for the first time since separating and going no contact with that person was a moment of empowerment for me. I got to reclaim something that was very sentimental and important to me, that our prior connection took away, and also make such wonderful memories by enjoying it with my family. The smiles and laughs that day, and the energy as a whole, made me all the more appreciative of the moment, and of our current family dynamic.

Something unrelated I want to share that is also exciting, I am finally getting back into my YouTube videos and shorts! I posted my first revival vlog a few weeks ago, and shared a new art short where I drew some fanart for the Minecraft movie on Tuesday! I have linked both of them below for your viewing pleasure.

Thank you for taking the time to read! Write again soon!

Signing off,
-ShelbiLynn (stopitshelbi)

Second Chances for Firsts

Hello wanderer of the internet!

We’ve made it through the holiday season - Woohoo! As much as I love the holidays and being able to spend quality time with family, the busy nature of the festivities and traveling with three young children really wears me out. Our holidays were filled with laughter and joy, and no crazy conflict for the first time in years. I am very grateful.

A photo of me & all three kids that Charles took on Christmas morning.

To elaborate, in years past, our family has been through a lot of crazy conflicts and trauma. Last holiday season of 2023, I was 8 months pregnant with Daxter, when Charles and I ended up splitting for a little while as a last resort during mutual mental health crises. It really tore through us all, kiddos included. We never got to spend our first Christmas together because of the brief split, and we also missed out on celebrating what would’ve been our first anniversary together as well. It was a traumatic and heartbreaking holiday for everyone. The years before that (2022-2020), me and the kids were guaranteed to go through absolute hell for every holiday or special occasion thanks to the older two’s biological father/our abuser. He always made sure to replace our joys and smiles for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s with crippling fear and chaos.

A photo of Charles & I from Christmas Eve.

This was the first time we’ve all had a genuinely good holiday without anything getting in the way of making good memories. It was also Daxter’s first holiday season, which made it all the more special. And to top it all off, Charles, the kiddos, and I got a second chance at our first Christmas & New Year’s together. Charles and I also celebrated our 2-year anniversary yesterday, January 6th (We go by our original anniversary date because we were split up for only a short amount of time). These recent memories healed so much for us. It has truly been the greatest holiday yet.

To those reading, I hope your holiday season was well, and if it was not, I wish you better days in the immediate future.

Signing off,
- ShelbiLynn (stopitshelbi) 🖤

The Internet Wanderer Has Sauntered Home

Hello, wanderer of the internet!

It has been a long time since I have sat down to write a blog post. Actually, it’s been quite a while since I’ve had my website properly online in general. You may notice all of my prior posts are no longer available, and this appears to be the only entry on my website. Let me explain my thought process behind archiving my prior posts.

I fell off of a lot of my creative outlets over the past couple of years. The most obvious examples of this are my YouTube and this blog here. The last time I regularly posted blog entries and YouTube vlogs/videos, I was in a very different place in my life. While there are some parts of those prior videos and posts that hold great memories, there was a bigger foundation of that period of time that was not so pleasant. Those past videos and entries were made when I was in active domestic violence. The abuser in question, was the man I was in a relationship with, who is the biological father of my oldest two children. After I left the intimate relationship with the abuser in early 2023, I stopped regularly posting the mentioned medias, as I was navigating many huge life changes one after another following our escape. I have chose to privatize or delete all of my prior posts from basically the moment I became an adult, to the point of official no contact, that included anything about my personal life, as what I shared about my abuser and the life we shared together at the time was as far from the truth as it could be, and it is also very painful to be reminded of it in that way, as I have severe PTSD from everything that happened. I do mourn the loss of these videos and entries, and the creative effort I put into them at the time, as well as the good memories that were contained in them. However, taking them down is what is best for myself, my children, and our safety. Thank you for understanding.

I’m not exactly sure how often I would like to be posting and creating via my website, YouTube, and other online methods. I have three very young children who take up most of my time, and I haven’t been able to devote as much time as I’d like to my hobbies, because I want to put my best effort and energy in to raising my family with my fiancé, Charles. However, I believe my hobbies and creative passions are important, and engaging in them is vital to my children’s upbringing, as I believe if I want my children to grow up secure in themselves, caring for themselves, and passionate individuals, I need to model that. Right now, I am still in the phase of balancing our lives after the rubble of fully escaping/going no contact with an abuser, and going through many other milestones and life changes that have left us uprooting quite often until recently. I do feel as though we are finding more balance and stability now, and that there are just some final tweaks and kinks to work out. That is why I am choosing now to clean the slate and begin indulging in these passions once again. I am placing the foundational building blocks to re-integrate these parts of my life that I have had to neglect due to prioritizing survival and preserving energy, and I hope you will join me for the adventure.

Signing off,
- ShelbiLynn (stopitshelbi) 🖤