Couples Counseling and it's Weaponization in Abuse

"Why didn't you agree to go through with couples/co-parenting counseling?" is a question I have been asked on many occasions. In my own experiences as an abuse survivor, my refusal to go through with couples counseling with my abusers were something that they themselves weaponized. “Well she doesn't care to fix things, she refused to go to therapy with me! So it's HER fault!” But here's what many fail to understand about couples/joint counseling in the context of domestic violence:

In order for therapy to help an individual, they have to be HONEST, open to CHALLENGING THEIR THOUGHTS and CURIOSITY, and have the intention of REPAIR. The same goes for couples or families, however with more than one person involved, not everyone in the dynamic goes in with that healthy perspective. A victim often goes in wanting these things, willing to be transparent, curious about their feelings as well as their partners, and trying to work through issues toward repair. An abuser however, relies on lies or deflection, and also treats their perception as reality. They cannot handle trying to challenge their own thoughts, perception, or mindset, and see any attempts to do so as an attack on them. They also do not want therapy for the sake of repair, but for the purpose to further manipulate and control. The abuser will use talking about an issue in therapy as an excuse to tell the victim they aren't allowed to speak about it anymore, even if the issue is still ongoing. It can also be used by the abuser to weaponize either their own mental health to avoid accountability, or their victims mental health to deflect and reverse blame.

When you go to joint counseling with an abuser, therapy stops being an environment for safety and repair, and instead becomes another tool used to abuse. This is also why nowadays some couples therapists are turning toward refusing to see couples who already have a documented history of abuse or domestic violence within their dynamic, as they understand the further harm joint counseling can cause.

You cannot talk or therapize your way into mutual understanding and respect in a dynamic where one party relies on purposeful misunderstanding and disrespect. You cannot work toward a relationship where both parties feel empowered and balanced when one person's happiness is dependent on the other's powerlessness and submission to them.

Breeding Men Into Monsters (short essay)

Hello wanderers of the internet. Recently I saw someone online speak about the growing prevalence of toxic masculinity, abusive behaviors, and narcissistic men, along with a growing statistic of DL men. They noted how often they are all the same demographic, and all of these traits go hand-in-hand. This connection has been on my mind in recent days, especially because I have experienced this archetype of men up-close as a domestic violence & abuse survivor. I have articulated a short deconstruction on where I think all of these traits connect at their root, and I would like to share it with you.

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I believe we as a society have failed many generations of men, because we are not shaping our men by guiding them on how to "be men", but rather how NOT to be women. Expressing emotions, empathy, vulnerability, and communication are seen as feminine, and boys are degraded for it. They are told to "man up", they are told "you run like a girl", "you can't play with that, that's a girl toy", etc. Femininity is taught to be the most insulting and horrible thing you can be.

You can't lead a boy through childhood under that precedent and then expect men to grow up and actually like or respect women. You've shown them that femininity is bad, weak, and sub-human. What else is associated with being feminine? Being gay. It's another thing boys can often be degraded for or labelled as an insult for exhibiting certain behaviors, especially creative expression. This breeds insecurity and a fragmented sense of self, leading youth to question and suppress everything about themselves, especially certain interests and their sexual orientation.

That's why the statistics of abusive and predatory men are so staggering. And that is also why there is a growing trend of those same men who mistreat women to such a cruel degree often being DL homosexuals. Of course there are many men who abuse and prey upon women, and ALSO secretly mess around with other men (usually while being VERY LOUDLY homophobic to the public), when femininity and homosexuality is depicted in such a brutal way from a young age. I think this is one of the most common ways that our patriarchal society harms not only women, but men as well.

But let's take that a step further.

These traits that we belittle and bully out of these boys, are not aspects of femininity or homosexuality to begin with. Nor are they weak. They are the most crucial and essential aspects of HUMANITY. The level of empathy, vulnerability, and creativity we thrive on are what set us apart from other species on our planet. They are what make the human race as STRONG and capable as we are.

You cannot raise a boy on the idea that femininity is BAD and expect him to reach adulthood LIKING women as people.

And you cannot raise a person trying to suppress and STRIP them of all of the traits that make them most human, and then expect them to turn into anything but a MONSTER - using and abusing everything around them.

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Thank you for reading. I would love to hear other’s insight on this subject.

Signing off,
- ShelbiLynn (stopitshelbi)