Couples Counseling and it's Weaponization in Abuse
"Why didn't you agree to go through with couples/co-parenting counseling?" is a question I have been asked on many occasions. In my own experiences as an abuse survivor, my refusal to go through with couples counseling with my abusers were something that they themselves weaponized. “Well she doesn't care to fix things, she refused to go to therapy with me! So it's HER fault!” But here's what many fail to understand about couples/joint counseling in the context of domestic violence:
In order for therapy to help an individual, they have to be HONEST, open to CHALLENGING THEIR THOUGHTS and CURIOSITY, and have the intention of REPAIR. The same goes for couples or families, however with more than one person involved, not everyone in the dynamic goes in with that healthy perspective. A victim often goes in wanting these things, willing to be transparent, curious about their feelings as well as their partners, and trying to work through issues toward repair. An abuser however, relies on lies or deflection, and also treats their perception as reality. They cannot handle trying to challenge their own thoughts, perception, or mindset, and see any attempts to do so as an attack on them. They also do not want therapy for the sake of repair, but for the purpose to further manipulate and control. The abuser will use talking about an issue in therapy as an excuse to tell the victim they aren't allowed to speak about it anymore, even if the issue is still ongoing. It can also be used by the abuser to weaponize either their own mental health to avoid accountability, or their victims mental health to deflect and reverse blame.
When you go to joint counseling with an abuser, therapy stops being an environment for safety and repair, and instead becomes another tool used to abuse. This is also why nowadays some couples therapists are turning toward refusing to see couples who already have a documented history of abuse or domestic violence within their dynamic, as they understand the further harm joint counseling can cause.
You cannot talk or therapize your way into mutual understanding and respect in a dynamic where one party relies on purposeful misunderstanding and disrespect. You cannot work toward a relationship where both parties feel empowered and balanced when one person's happiness is dependent on the other's powerlessness and submission to them.
