Letting Go of Controlling the Outcome As It Pertains to My Abusers
Hello wanderers of the internet! If you are seeing this and hadn't heard from me personally or seen other posts on social media, today I had a hearing to extend the order of protection against one of my abusers. My motion to extend was granted, however, it was only granted for one more year instead of 2+, and the distance in which he is ordered to stay away was reduced from 500ft to 250ft.
The hearing earlier had me in a rough headspace for a good few hours - to the point of almost reaching impulsive self-destruction. I had a very emotional PTSD breakdown on the ride home from the courthouse, and had to have my sister drive. The tears continued for about an hour and a half after reaching my residence, and there was nothing else I could occupy myself with to make the fear, the anger, and the upset go away.
Some may think I should be grateful, after all, the extension was granted, just not to my terms. I know my abuser walked away from this hearing dissatisfied with the outcome himself, for he hoped it to be completely vacated. And I am grateful that it was extended, especially because there are some things going on I cannot legally speak of yet regarding my abuser in which I think this order is a necessary incentive for at least a while longer, until that particular situation settles.
It wasn't so much about the terms of the extension that bothered me, but rather the invalidating language of the judge. The implication that if I just "get over" the abuse enough, that somehow the risk of harm is just magically gone, as if it's my memory of it that almost killed me and not the perpetrator of the abuse himself. The implication that I just need a bit more time an it will all go away. The assumption that a man who has abused myself and my children in every way possible, physical violence, coercive control, sexual assault, etc., can somehow make "progress" toward rehabilitation and that with that the victims of that violence have no reason to worry. Even though I don't believe the judge meant to be invalidating or victim-blaming in his statements, that is the sentiment it gives off, and that was very triggering for me. I dream of a day where the way perpetrators of abuse are handled in the legal system is completely overhauled, and where judges are more trained and trauma-informed in their work. I don’t think the sentiments shared by the judge are a personal failure on him, but a much bigger systemic issue of how we hold abusers accountable in the justice system as a whole as well as how we view domestic violence and violence against women on a societal level.
Truth is, I can't control whether he will try to kill me, even with the restraining order in place. After all, it's just a piece of paper. He could break into my house tonight and I could be dead by morning. He could hurt me anytime he wanted should he desire it badly enough. And no amount of court orders or personal preservation tactics to defend my life are 100% guaranteed to deter him from trying, or save me and my children from him succeeding.
But what the order is, if nothing else, it is proof of the truth. The undeniable fact that I, ShelbiLynn Donnell, as well as my three oldest minor children, were continuously abused and tortured by Christopher Hardwick, because my evidence proved I was. Even if the order expires a year from now, he cannot take that from me, because it was already proven for it to be put into place to begin with.
At one point in time, in order to protect myself, I needed to protect the truth. There was no legal accountability, active harassment and abuse, and a slander campaign being pursued against me by him and his maternal family. Whether the abuse actually occured as far as the public went, was up for debate depending on who you asked. The order of protection was the armor protecting the truth, a record saying even if he is never held criminally accountable, that abuse did occur to myself and my three older children at his hands, and at one point there needed to be incentive to prevent further abuse from occurring. Nothing can undo that.
My truth does not need extra armor now in order to keep me safe. My truth IS the armor. My truth IS the protection. Outside of this restraining order, I do everything I can in order to keep myself and my children safe from him, as I will continue to do. My children and I also have an amazing support system of family, friends, and community members looking out for us and our safety. Those who aren't afraid to speak up when they see something, those who would wage war to protect us if needed, and those who send their prayers and share their worry.
Christopher Hardwick is one of two men who pose a great threat to our safety. The other man who we have endured such evils by is the other man I share children with, Charles Hill. These statements I share regarding this order of protection on Chris, what it provides even in the case of expiry, and the future, I also apply the same sentiments to Charles and the restraining order I have on him as well.
Should anybody be upset that I name them directly, or want to say I'm "airing out dirty laundry", they can learn to cope. Abuse thrives in silence, I have proven time and time again what I claim to be factual, and the initial plenary restraining orders reflect that. I will not shy away from the identities of the men who have caused harm to us, for that only benefits them, and can also risk the safety of others who could become future victims. It's not me trying to ruin their lives, or tell their private business. It became my business to share when they chose to make me and my kids their victims. It's our survivor story to tell.
I know that we have many protections to preserve our physical and emotional well-being. And by sharing my story of what we have endured, the perpetrators identities, as well as our coping and life beyond it, I know that should those protections fail, and something ever happen to us, that the world knows exactly who and where to look. That is peace of mind.
Signing off,
-ShelbiLynn a.k.a. stopitshelbi
